Not a very good state of mind...

The day did not start out well for me. Li'l A got up @ 5 and wanted me to scratch her back.
"Thoda ooper.."
"Thoda neeche..."
"zor se..nails se.."
"Udhar nai idhar.."
"Yaan pe..."

An hour later I was like "Kya hora A...sothe kyon nai? Mamma ku office jaana hain. So jaao. Bah!"

She turns to her dad and goes "A good girl hain kya noni? [that's what she calls her dad] Mamma bah! bole A ku."

"Aap isku sula dete zara?" I ask him.
So DH takes over the task.
"Noni comforter seedha udhaao noni"
"Noni A ku pyaas lagri noni.."
"Noni A ku story bol sakte?"
"Noni utho Noni. Subah ho gai. Sun aa gaya!"


Half an hour later I hear the exact same words from him that I had uttered a while back. By some miracle they fall asleep. Its almost 7. I get up reluctantly. I look at her. Sleeping like an angel making me feel sorry for the 'Bah' I had hurled at her!

7:30 I am out of the house. I turn on the radio. The traffic report is on. As usual it sucks with the very good news that Chicago has managed to leave behind San Francisco as far as traffic jams are concerned and just lags behind LA. WOW! LA here we come!

The news comes on. The latest on the murders of the two little girls. Oh no!I think as what happened yesterday comes into the concious once again. Two little girls aged 8 and 9, best friends, stabbed to death as they rode their bicyles through the park close to their homes right on Mother's day. Their bodies discovered by a man taking an early morning walk through the park. I saw the news yesterday as police recovered their bodies and their cycles were lying nearby. The happenings about 30 miles from the suburb in which we live. I watch the park in front of our house go by. I shudder involuntarily.

My MIL was very upset that she had advised her 13 year old Grand Daughter [my niece] to ride the bike to the walgreens and get supplies for the school project herself when she was cribbing that her parents did not have time to do so. I should not have done that she kept saying over and over. I did not know what to say. How far can you protect your children? Have been reading a book on Serial Killers and such bad things can happen to people when doing such routine stuff. A brilliant high school student, snatched from her bike and ripped apart by a maniac not a mile from her house. The man [John Gacy?] had stopped his car to relieve himself and saw her riding her bike and decided to kill her there and then!

How far can you restrain your children? How long can you look after them? A is 3 and day before as MIL sat talking on the phone on the porch A took her tricycle and was off in a sec. My poor MIL had to run, screaming after her but she would not stop. So what do we do? Bind and gag our children and keep them at home? It is so frustrating to see this happen. And if you think the children are safe at home with their mothers, you could be so wrong.

Just last week, I heard 2 other children being murdered. Once again stabbed to death, right in their homes not 10 minutes from where we live. A 9 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. The murderer? The mother. Who stabbed each one of them almost 100 times each! Can you imagine the horror these children must have gone through? There were signs that they fought her - how tragic is that!

Somehow having a child yourself seem to make you very sensitive to issues such as these. Because I know what/how a 3 year old feels. And to have your mother turning on you, I cannot imagine the horror. In the case of these two girls, though they have questioned some family member, somehow the nature of the crime seems to suggest to me that this might be the work of some whacko. Some serial killer. In the book I am reading, the author [Helen Morrison] explains where chillingly the characteristics of a serial killer. She refers to the famous serial killer on screen Hannibal Lecter and says that he is shown developing an attachment to his psychiatrist. But that does not happen with the serial killer. They do not feel any kind of affection or emotion because as she puts it they have no self. That statement somehow remained with me.

I was apalled at myself when I found myself breathing a sigh of relief when the authorities announced that the girls weren't sexually assaulted. I mean does it make the horror any less? But somehow I was like Thank God! Atleast for that! The family started to look for the girls around 7 pm when one of them did not return home. The time of death is being put between 1am-2am. Time and again my mind keeps wandering to that time in between. What they must have gone thru! What fear..what horror! Enough to want you to hold your children to heart and never let them go. But then again do you stop living the way you want to just because there are a few whacko's out there. I was thinking that I should not have let my 11 & 12 year old nephews to play in the park last weekend. But then again I thought so what would I have them do? Sit at home in the glorious weather that we have had the good fortune to have after like 6 months? Or watch their every move? Yes, it is not easy being a parent when things are very much in your control. And then there are things like these which are beyond your control seem to throw everything off balance!

Li'l A - The Question Paper

Its bring your children to work day @ work today. Children in the age range of 7-13 running about having the times of their lives. I am waiting for Lil A to grow up to be 7 so that I could bring her over to the place I work. She is always very interested in knowing where I work, what I do. She keeps asking me to take her with me whenever I leave for work. Since I have always used the same car to drive to work she thinks that the car is my office and refers to it as Mamma's office! I left her at her preschool today amidst tears and protests. For those who do no know she started preschool last week. We are going slow on her and decided to give it a try for a couple of days every week. Wednesdays and Thursdays being the designated days. The first day she was pretty excited but soon I guess the rules, the being just one of a group of children and most importantly the language barrier seems to have put a dent in her enthusiasm. She just does not want to go to school. A ku school nai jaana hain. Saturday bhi nai jaana hain aur wednesday bhi nai jaana hain. She wails.
Also she cannot understand why there are other children in her school. Since we have been referring to it as A's school she's like A ke school mein doosre bachche kyon aatte? Koi bhi nai aana. Khaali A rehna she says! Ditto for A's park near our house.

The first day of the school they tell me she attempted to break out of the class, so they had to block the door with book cases. When I took her to school this week as soon as they see her they are already blocking the door with the bookcases ;-)
But 5 minutes later she calms down and has a happy time though she runs as if her life depended on it when DH goes to get her in the evenings.

How fast children grow! [though some days might seem really long]. But it seems like not long ago when I was gushing oh! me god - her first complete sentence.

She had been coughing and I'd be going 'Allah! Khaasi aayee meri beti ku'.
She was around 14 months old then. She was in my arms when she coughed and before I could say anything she puts on her most pitiable expression and goes - khaansi aayyee! After everyone went aww!aww!aww! she repeated it for like a million times.

I read a joke somewhere that for the first 2-3 years of our child's life we keep saying..oh! say something...stand up...walk etc and after that all we want them to do is to stop moving, sit down and shut up! I find this to be very true. How I would love it if for 5 minuts she would just sit instead of being upto something. And the questions..oh! my god the questions. When I took her to visit my family my brother gave her the nick name question paper! That's how bad she is. I keep telling her - itne questions nakko karo A. Sometimes we try to give her the reverse treatment. Continously asking her questions. What does she do after like the 3rd questions? She says - itne questions nakko karo mamma :-)

You know you are in trouble when after watching the couple of gold-fishes that you have gotten for her for a couple of hours she turns around and says A fish khaa sakte? When you say No the next question is. Kyon nai Khaana? When you answer that she will be ready with - Magar A woh fish khaay the na. When you answer that the next one would be - Woh fish kyon khaa sakte? Patiently you answer woh fish mar gayee thi na. She will say - kyon mar gayee thi? and you say jab woh nai hilri thi tho mar jaati. She pauses to think. You breathe a sigh of relief and come into the kitchen to get some work done.

15 minutes later there is a loud shout - Mamma, Mamma.
Kya hua, kya hua - you ask.
Fish mar gayee mamma - comes the sad reply.
Oh!no I just got it I think running to the bowl.

The fish is very much alive.
'Nai mari na A..kyon aisa bolre?' I ask exasperated.
'Magar une nai hilri thi mamma' pat comes the reply.

You take a deep breath in and explain to her that fishes might not move when they sleep.
Kyon nai hilte? You answer.
Ab kyo hilri? You answer.
Kab sothi? You answer.
Kyon Sothi? you answer.
Kaisa sothi? You don't know the damn answer.
Bed pe kyon nai sothi? You want to run out of the door screaming as another question paper is being set right in front of your eyes.

A is so intelligent that she wants to maximize her time with me. So she sleeps almost thru the day and does not go to sleep till almost 1am every day thereby getting almist 6-7 hours with me after I get back from work.When I call her from work with the good news that I am coming to her she asks
Kaisa aare mamma?
Car mein aaroon A.
Drive karke kaiku aare bhaag ke aao jaldi aa sakte. She says.

I could almost hear her smacking her lips in aniticipation awaiting her mother's arrival to cling to her. After playing, coloring, painting, connect the dotting, eating etc she's ready to go to bed around 12. Then start reading the book series. Last but not the least is the story session.
I keep dropping off to sleep and she'll be like - mamma samajh mein nai aara. I still haven't been able to determine if she goes to sleep first or I do.

Her schoool has made things a little better but only for a couple of days. Since I am off for 3 days a week and she sticks to me like glue. As soon as she gets up and sees me sleeping next to her she starts kissing me all over my face, she laughs, she screams and yes you guessed it sets a question paper all over again.

oh! I am so looking forward to the weekend as is she I am sure :-)

DSS? Ah! Woe is me....

One rubs shoulder's with Zakir Hussain,
And another flies an aeroplane,
oh! woe is me..coz nothing like that have I ever done!

There are a few who are stinking rich,
Eat out not once, twice but thrice a week,
oh! woe is me...coz for cooking everyday am termed a freak!

There's one who picks conversations with strippers
And this sweet young thing with ex-boy friends galore,
oh! woe is me...coz I am shocked here like never before!

There's one who 'fondly' calls me a blood sucking dracula,
Another who says plainly that I am the devil,
oh!woe is me...coz everyone believes I am nothing but evil!

There's Sunshine and there's an adopted mom n bro too,
A twin of mine who is only around when there'a match,
Oh! woe is me...coz they are all so difficult to catch!

Some people around here have a very Funnycide,
Like innumerable hearts going dhak-dhak for Bachan Junior,
oh! woe is me...coz am termed old for being a fan of the senior!

There's a void here which is pre-occupied with itself,
Another one whose creativity tends to bewitch,
oh! woe is me...coz am referred to as the evil mean witch!

Never ending love-talk amongst new brides and brides to be,
And ascii and asterix characters discussing topics seriously,
oh! woe is me...coz serious skills I seem to be lacking sadly!

There's one I have been trying to get a hold of since long,
The one with the series of the century award,
Oh! woe is me...coz to meet her seems to be so damned hard!

Japan is in the loop and so are many others,
The chief seems to be working overtime,
oh!woe is me...coz some new handles are confusing me big time!

There's whining when I so much as mention SRT,
With a bankrupt editor thinking I am after his gazette,
oh! woe is me...coz I am sure I can do better than that!

There are princesses and then there are queens,
There are jokers too with acronyms like SOH, BJ and SLB,
oh! woe is me...coz laughter at work tends to make your life very risky!

Made a huge fool of once by this peppy little woman,
Whacked on the head innumerable times by every Tom Dick and Harry,
oh! woe is me...coz there is no place else I'd rather be!

Achcha tho hum chalte hain!!

Hmm now that I have your attention after the rousing reception [glare,glare] to my announcement I shall continue with my b-log. That's right Pradz, my anokha andaaz. Peps, you can stop clapping now. Really!!

So as many of you who frequent DB might already know, I am going on a month long vacation to my beloved motherland. Ascii you better get ready to read my loooooooooooooong email about why I call it my beloved motherland once I get back. After a lot of hiccups [which once again all of you who frequent db might know about] I am going to finally board the plane tomorrow. After a 24-hour journey I shall be landing in my Hyderabad. I always itch to get down on my knees and kiss the land when I get there but fearing that my husband might disown me forever, I desist from doing that.

I shall try my best to do a travelogue and make you all jealous. Want to take a lot of pics just for the sake of DB and I shall make sure that I am in none of the pics going by the current rules of picture posting [thou shalt not feature in thy pics] in DB.[yes, it is a poke again at The Bangalore meet pics and you too De-Silva!]

I wish I was going to Bangalore. So many people I could have met. At least for a day. And this time take real pics with the virtual DBers [yet another poke]. Ananth in his charecteristic style tells me How can you not come? You have to..that's all!! I wish Adi's wedding was a week earlier..I would have definitely tried to make it. Err Adi any chance of preponing the date. [geez, I was just asking!!].

So a Khuda Hafiz & Shabba Qair from me. I shall be on and off DB today hoping to catch most of you there but if I don't just wanted to let you know that if you don't see me around don't assume that I am dead and gone. Just that I am having the time of my life. Funny, you can now enjoy Chicago and its weather all by yourself. Silent Melody, here I come.

Bye - all.
Sunshine [where art thou these days?], Void [eat less samosas and start wearing banians], anaz [don't grow up too fast on me ok?], ardra [don't miss me too much], dmx[wipe that silly evil grin off your face yaar..I shall tell your parents the dress did not fit you...err..your dotter], asuph bhai [the queen of hearts takes an extended leave of absence from the asylum], IW ji[aap ko waapis aake dekh loongi], salonii [mail me sometime yaar], sharmi [ if you ever check this], imp [will be sure to read your travelogues if not anything else], buck [my regards to crystal], chetiyaar[are you still in-mate-land?],icy [hope your vacation goes good], MS[malli kalusthaanu, keep the surf up mushy boy!], Reshmi [hope you are planning that trip to Chicago], ssm[MzTIC misses you sooooo soooooo much already!], Nithya[regards to Chander], tocs[phir parsoon miltiyoon main appse, kiya bolte miyan?], Pradz[have a safe trip back home - its the best place to be], ascii[hope to catch the India-pak matches there and give you an account], ano [if you frequent these parts], Ananth [meet..meet..Hyderabad..meet!], IBL [you are the sweetest! really!], De-Silva[I did see Azhar and his wife in Mumbai Airport..would that count as a celebrity brush?],cec[another missing person], sk [Wishing you all the good luck in the world], Adi [if I don't catch you, best wishes for the upcoming wedding!], blithey [keep writing girl!], el_enigma[wish I could see more of you], Meena [did Crystal ever come to know about how you like them shaved heads?], Meetu[hope things have settled down], Doh[kahaan ho yaar? leaving your pankha in a lurch eh?], uber[if you come by], scout[don't see you much these days..where's your wonderful series'] and last but not the least Peppy [shall miss you girl! Big time!]

*booooooooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooooooo*

*booooooooooooooooo*

[I know, I know it seems like a Alvida [good-bye forever]...well a month away from DB seems to be like that only]

Shall end with a sher:

kab tera shehar bey khabar guzra
hum pey har lamha bey asar guzra
waqt-e-rukhsat tujhey kya kehna tha
bas yehi soch'tey safar guzra

A view and a review

I wonder seriously sometimes if my way of thiking is all wrong. With the way things go and with how so many people behave around me, I have to wonder. One thing I strongly believe in is not holding things against people. Especially if they cannot help it and/or apologize about it. A blog triggered a memory. A memory of a friend who was hurt beyond words that even after she did a lot for her husband's family, the MIL did not want to look after her baby. To this day she holds that againt her mother-in-law. Me being the mother of a 3-year old know what it is to take care of a baby. No mean task I tell you. No mean task for young people like us..so imagine an older person taking care of one. True, some people do manage to do it. Like my MIL. But some cannot. And one has to understand that. Arguments like she used to do it before, she does it with her own daughter's children do not hold water. Her daughter's children might not be the terror your son is! Who knows? Just giving the benefit of doubt to the person imho is the need of the hour. Or is that naive thinking? I don't know. It might be. But it does not hurt to seek the best in a person. Believe me there is some good in everyone. Always is!

Watched Elaan this weekend. What a disappointment it turned out to be. John Abraham seemed so wasted. I don't know what the true test of talent is. Doing comedy or doing tragic sequences. While Johnny did good in some of his tragic serious kind of roles (esp Paap) or the cool dude roles (Dhoom) he sucked big time at Comedy. I almost fell sorry for him trying hard to be smart-aleck but coming off as an absolute dud! And I wondered what Rahul Khanna was doing in a film like this. He had one expression throughout - bored! Well at least he looks and acts better than his brother.[collecting thermocol brick bats a la peppy ishtyle!] But the highlight of the film was Mithun ofcourse. You'd have to excuse my mini-review in the sense that I just caught the film a little here and a little there, what with a all-night family cards night just the day before, I kept falling asleep. And the good looking guys acting like morons wasn't helping matters either. So Mithun da was touted to be the next Gabbar Singh and the film a remake of Sholay [yeajh right!]. In Sholay you want to help Dharmendar make mincemeat of Amjad Khan..here you want to hug Mithun Da close and tell him that everything is going to be all right. That's the kind of emotions he incites in you. Was this supposed to be a fear-inducing villianous role? ROTFL! Not for one minute. In Mithun Da's favor though he was suave and sophisticated. He never shouts, never mouths menacing dialogues...just does...err nothing basically. Taking votes for the most irritating character from the ones who watched the movie. Mine goes for a tie between Chunkey Pandey and Lara Dutta.

I have to seriously start to exercise. I keep putting it off and my 10-hr work days are not helping matters either. There are less than 4 weeks left for my trip to India. Why the rush to reduce you ask? So that I could gain back the pounds once am in India. There was a restaurant in Hyderabad we ate at the last time we were visiting about a couple of years ago. I don't remember its name but ate a dish called Tangi Kabab there. Basically the whole chicken leg roasted...man! I have never tasted chicken as good as that. My mouth still waters when I think back. I have half a mind to head straight for the hotel, stuff myself with the Tangdi Kabab and then do everything else. I would have if my flight did not reach Hyderabad around 4am. The feeling I get when Hyderabad comes into view is...indescribable. The joy I feel..something akin to rushing into my mother's arms! US Shopping: $1000..Tickets: $4000...India Shopping: $1000...visiting Hyderabad + Family: Priceless!

A colleague is leaving work. He is some sort of child prodigy. 21 and already a senior developer here. He started here when he was 17. Goes to college too. Runs his own website and own his own Silver Corvett and a Black Audi A4. I asked him what he planned to do next and he says he is going to join his father's flourishing business. The lucky...! ok..ok...I know I know count my blessing. I am counting. Jeep Wrangler[that's right void] to Corvette...Suzuki GSX Bike [ya-ya Adi] to the Audi...21 to ... Boo hoo...I am doomed!

On top of that DSSers seem to be conspiring against me. I am sure of it. IBLu says I am a mean person - on my face and to everyone who cares to listen. When I ask him why that is he says figure out! Ananth thinks I am getting too old, Sunshine throws Banana Peels at me [resuces me later, but that's another story], dmx the matchstix incites sunshine against me after I give her such a good role in the Ananth story [saying I will kill you void], void I shall not speak of since I am not on speaking terms with him, Sunshine thinks I write all mush,mush,mush after being a loyal reader, Peppy routinely practices her karate punches at me, SSM sends mail to everyone excepting me because he thinks I won't be interested[that would be his latest excuse], Sk does not answer my phone calls, Even Ardra the marathon emailer owes me email, buck predicts my marriage is doomed and that I am running after SSM, Cheti laughs at me when I say thanks maadi for teaching me how to speak kannada, Salonii is never there when I am on DB, Adithi is plotting against me in code pink with other ya-yaites so that I get kicked out of my job and left homeless and destitute...what's worse you ask? These happens to be my so-called friends. Dushman na kare dost ne ye kaam kiya hain...umr bhar ka ghum hamein inaam diya hain.OK OK I shall stop being so sentimental...otherwise Sunshine will be bawling! ;-)


There is an old song that came to mind today. Mere Sunder Sapna Beet gaya...! I was eagerly awaiting Mr.Sapna's bollywoodish blog as hinted by pepsi. There is a test blog at one of the coolest names for a blogsite. Jhankaar beats it is called. There is a test blog up said peppy so I went and looked. The profile says Sunder. Was ROFL @ this combination of Sunder + Sapna! Still awaiting the blog...! Sweet Dreams people...err Sundar Sapne people...!

A state of mind - Some Ramblings!

Nothing to write about. The mind wanders. Trying to pick up topics to write. Something I feel strongly about? Nah! There are too many things. Nothing new there. Something going on in my life right now? Except the flooded basement and the bone-chilling cold, nothing much again. Not that it is a bad thing. Normal is good. Normal is wonderful. Its when things get extra-ordinary that is a cause for concern. But for now, nothing much. Try my hand at a ghazal? Hmm tried that too. But no inspiration as such. And everyone knows that one needs to be inspired to be able to write a ghazal. Otherwise the results are catastrophic. But even then I plugged on. The result?
Badthi hui nazdikiyon se dar lagta hain,

What next? Mitthi hui dooriyon se dar lagta hain? *sheesh* That's the same meaning as the first one! What am I doing trying to write poety with no inspiration as such? I hastily close the window without saving any info.

Start a series? Hmmm...a good idea. Never fails to attract a hoarde of readers. But what about? Ah! The murder mystery I had outlined in my mine a few months ago? I knew that would have a wide audience. Lekin, did I have it in me to start writing it. The constant tension that engulfs me when I write a series. The question of what next? What to do? How to stay away from the cliched story-line? What twists to give? What turns to take it towards? The mad rush to finish the series and get it out of my system. Naah! Somehow I did not want to get into it not right now.

A short story maybe? Mmmm something told me that in the kind of mood I was in, that was not possible. A short-story requires a plot all figured out. The right ingredients. Not too much of digressing and something told me that I would do that a lot. Making the short story a very long and boring one. So that was pass.

What next? Write for one of my innumerable alter egos? The poet? The conversationist? Too much energy required for those which I have none of. I just want to lie back and write something easy. Something that does not require all my concentration. Something I could just start typing without thinking. And that is what I am doing. Putting my state of mind into words.

Does anyone else think that Shahid Kapur looks like a kid? Watched half an hour of 'Dil Maange more' and tried hard to picture him like this hero falling in love but just could not. Am I getting old or are the heros getting kiddish? Well Aamir Khan was like that too someone remarked. Yes Aamir Khan was also very young in his first movie. But no way did he seem too young to fall in love. The first time that he looks at Juhi as she is horse-riding. Ah! Nothing kiddish about that. Whereas with Shahid Kapur no matter how hard he tried to look lovingly at his real-life girlfriend in Fida, I could not get the image of a kid staring longingly at the candy in the box. No doubt about it, I am getting too old for this sort of stuff.

The basement was flooded this weekend. A harrowing time we had trying to move the furniture, roll the carpets and put them out to dry. I was muttering to myself, oh! my wedding clothes put in safekeeping in the suitcase are all damp. Oh! This box is all gone. Suddenly I stopped. A few buckets of water in the basement where we usually keep the not-in-use stuff. It seemed like such a bad deal. What about all those people whose homes were just washed away with everything in them. Most of the times with their family members in it? Quite a sobering thought.

As we sorted stuff out, my husband and me, old stuff, from our college days, from our early days here, it was like reliving those days. The utensils we used to cook in. We laughed at the small cooker, the smaller vessel for making rice and the chai-ka-bartan that could hold no more than 3 cups of steaming hot chai! A gift from a friend when she had been to some African country(don't remember the name). Remember trying hard to keep a straight face at the incroguous thing being handed down to us. What is it? was the question in both our minds, but we dared not ask as she handed it to us. It looked with a wooden vessel with 2 ladles and decorated with black snaky lines. Wait! Those were not black snaky lines. They were snakes! Maybe its a soup bowl or something like that, we thought. But it was semi-circular in shape. It had no base to speak off. So how would you hold it upright to pour soup into it. So that was a no-go. I think she herself did not know what it was. We could understand her predicament. What to bring for someone who is your best friend's best friend? Poor girl. Just the fact that she did was enough. It is true that the intentions matter so much more. The bowl still stays with us. A lot of things have been thrown away. But not the bowl. The friend has been lost for a long time, but her innate goodness stays with us. The bowl standing testament to that.

Life changes. People change. Situations change. Relationships change. But some things remain frozen in time. Memories. Of a feeling. Of a relationship. Of a time. Of a love. Of a look. Of a moment. Of a tear. Of a glance. Of a day. Of a person. They stay with you. They might get hazy but they are never forgotten. Truly the human brain is amazing!

So the question remains...what do I write? Yep got it. I simply *have* to write a review of this film I watched over the weekend. 'Aastha' starring Rekha and Om Puri made about 5-6 years ago, a Basu Bhattacharya film. It blew me away. OK let me go back to my writing board. Hey wait a minute...I am already here!